The assholes guide to fashions; Red Trousers.

Emily’s Statement:

I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and this week I decided to make my thoughts a reality, by buying a pair of obnoxious red trousers. I was excited about the potential to twin them with a pair of brogues and a nice white shirt. It plagued my every thought, the possibilities of red trousers, block colours and sheer fabrics, I was a mad woman “hey, do you think I could wear red trousers with this blazer, or would I look like I worked at a holiday camp in the 70s?”, “what if I wore my hair up?”, “Blue nail varnish might be problematic”.

So I swan in to the shop, grab a pair a size too small, try them on, struggle a bit with the buttoning, but I don’t want them to be slack, they need to be fitted, and Goddammit they are. The changing room smells like feet but that doesn’t matter, because these red trousers are exactly how I’d dreamed. I am sold. I don’t need anyone’s opinions, ‘I know what looks good on me’, I think to myself as I casually ignore that time I accidentally dressed like a fisherman, or tried to wear only different shades of grey. These are definitely ‘my thing’.

I also tried to buy a pair of baggy, jeans but they were too tight, so I left the shop quickly before I could change my mind on the red trousers and panic about why a pair of jeans named ‘baggy’ were too tight for me.

I’m wearing them today, they look pretty good, but I do need to get used to the fact that I’m wearing red trousers and I’m totally out of my colour comfort zone (black/grey), because every time I look down or see a leg, I panic and think I’m still in my pyjamas. I put them with brogues, brown and red is okay, but sort of forming a mushy type shoe zone, not what I had expected, and a blue tight long sleeved top, which in one fell swoop manages to bring the outfit back to bland town.

You should all own a pair of red trousers, if only to increase your chances of getting attention from other human beings, even if it is to comment on how fucking stupid you look. 5 stars.

Jenni’s Reaction:

This all sounds pretty positive, and I am very taken with the thought of people thinking that’s you in the picture. Is this picture from when that man stopped you in East London and told you you had great style and I said I would have been scared it was a terrorist? And I gave you my antibacterial handwash to use just in case of biological warfare?

Are you colour blocking? Would say that you are? It’s hard for me to understand colour blocking as I mostly like prints, and frills and oufits that a 6 year old would wear to a party.

I’d have chosen brown brogues too, so don’t worry about that at all. Possibly rolling up the trouser legs slightly might help give you that vital distance to avoid colour mush - WHERE ARE YOUR FEET?! WHERE DO YOUR FEET STOP AND LEGS BEGIN?! ARE YOUR KNEES YOUR FEET NOW?! IS THAT HOW THIS IS GOING TO BE?! We’ve all been there.

Red is a good colour for you, but not for me as pale skin with a hint of pink in it + red clothes will generally make me look like I’ve been at PE for too long (even though I was really competitive at PE and I’d have definitely have yelled at you for not trying hard enough at basketball). I’d like to see you try it with an oversized white shirt, as you suggest, or possibly a striped (or ‘Breton’ as they call it in Grazia and Stylist) top. NB If you call it a ‘Breton’ top you’ll probably look better.

5 stars, really well done.

Emily’s Edit:

I tried it with a ‘Breton’ top, but it looked too jaunty.