Hey girls, James Franco’s an American actor born 19th April, 1978, right? But he’s way out of your league, right? Plus he’s an American actor in America and you can’t afford those kind of flights, and you won’t let him pay for you because hell, women did not throw themselves under horses for you to allow James Franco to pay for your airfares. Get some self-respect. But don’t worry, you can spend time thinking about things you’d like to do to/with/around/near James Franco and how they’d all pan out really well.

Feel free to put your own human person of your choice into the scenario - it’s basically a person you’d like to spend time with, who isn’t the television.

1) Make a pasta bake

We believe James Franco is of Italian descent (because where would we be without general stereotyping?), so he’d probably be completely happy with our choice of pasta, or be completely insulted - either way, lets face it, James Franco has some kind of emotion towards you. It’s also the easiest to make, and one of our personal faves as two incapable, lazy, kitchen-ugly gals. Most people enjoy pasta bakes, and why would James Franco be any different? It’s not a problem that Googling ‘James Franco pasta bake’ neither confirms or denies this. Be confident otherwise he’ll sense your fear, and won’t be as effusive as you were hoping re: the pasta bake. Have flashcards ready if you feel he needs prompting: ‘Thanks for this pasta bake’ or ‘I like pasta bake as much as most people’ are great ways to open up a dialogue.

2) Go to Sainsbury’s

Food shopping is hard. Sometimes they’ve moved the butter, and it’s too hot, and you’re a bit weepy, and you need to buy something for dinner but you’ve already had pasta bake for tea and lunch and society dictates having more than one pasta tea a week is illegal. This is a good time for James Franco to take over, use the Jamie Oliver app and sort out the shopping. He’s also really good at the self-service machine, but can be a bit control freaky about it, so you press some buttons, and weigh your hand as ‘apples, loose’ to see how much it costs in ‘apples, loose’ and he kind of gets it, but really doesn’t, cos this is kind of a ‘thing’ for him. Bring your own bags in order to save 5p.

3) Show him my old school reports (Jenni)

School was a really good time for me - especially because I knew all the answers and could put my arm up really fast (arm = possible link to 127 Hours? ‘Hey James, I enjoyed your performance in 127 Hours, let’s read my school reports which I store on this coffee table.’) Reading these reports together will give him an insight into your childhood and how you weren’t bad at anything - he’ll respect you because he’s an overachiever too. NOTE : DO NOT LET HIM SHOW YOU HIS SCHOOL REPORTS - THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM. Stand your ground on this point.

4) Take him to work with you (Emily)

This is kind of akin to ‘Take you son/daughter to work day’ but you take James Franco instead, I’m pretty sure you’re bosses will be okay with it, after all, he was in Spider-man. If they get arsey, just say he’s your son from a previous marriage - you’d be surprised how little people care about anything you say with regard to your personal life.

5) Ask him to read all your books out loud and record them to potentially sell as audiobooks for when he flies back to LA and you’ve run out of the money you stole from his wallet.

This is kind of self-explanatory.

Oh hey there, thanks for reading this section, you made a great choice.. I thought it would be fun, over time, as a feature, to discuss the ways in which the Internet has aided us in recent years. When I thought about it (for like a minute) the first thing that came to me was make-up tutorials, and how as someone with no hand-eye coordination has coped without 14 year old girls showing me how to look fly for so long. Because sadly, I was around before YouTube.

My go-to-gal was Kailyn, who has changed somewhat from her early days (she’s moved accounts so you can’t see the old vids, so click here for a picture), mostly I’d just laugh at her (because I’m a mean, cruel idiot), but then I’d feel worse because she blatantly got way more attention from the males than I ever did.. Unless we’re counting negative attention.

Her Playboy poster and pink room with tiger skin bedsheets were always the icing on the cake for me. It’s like another world. A magical, weird, pornographic Disney-esque world that I could never be part of, because my hair was messy, I picked my nose and was way too gassy to pull off glitter.

I never really wore / wear makeup properly, I have no skin care routines or specific makeup brands I buy, predominantly I use stuff that’s cheap, been recommended or has some kind of deal / sparkly packaging. I never take my makeup off, WHO HAS THE TIME?!, I don’t wear foundation or blusher or eyeshadow or primer/polyfilla.. If I’m perfectly honest with you right now, I think all those things are possibly just one thing and I’ve got confused by the names.

My skin is okay, my face is ugly, but proportionate and my eyebrows are good, I use black eyeliner and mascara and Touche Eclat and sometimes a bright block lipstick that ends up on my teeth and hair. I wish I could be more together and care more about how I look, because I don’t especially have an awesome personality to reason being this low maintenance.

So listen, if you can, help me out.. Do you know any better beauty vloggers? What are your best tips? What should I be using? What’s really quick and easy and makes you look better than you actually look? Do you think I’m pretty?

Cinemax Reports

Jenni and Emily both went to the cinema recently to see previews of upcoming films, because that’s the sort of lifestyle they’ve come to expect now. Their choices tell you a lot about their hopes, dreams and ambitions and their WLTM.

Jenni: HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: Part 2

I recently rewatched Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 with friends, ahead of the release of the final film. Whenever anyone asked a question about anything, ‘Jenni why are you yelling?’, I’d reply with specific reference to a spell, chapter or character from the previous five books. Everyone found this helpful and illuminating, and were grateful they’d invited me.

In short, I’m taking Harry Potter seriously, and I’m taking your derision at that life decision seriously too, (Emily). Point in case, I accidentally typed ‘deathy’ hallows, and had a really stern talk with myself about being so flippant. I really don’t have a sense of humour about this.

So. ‘It all ends’, the posters tell us. Quite rightly too, for in the last five minutes everyone dies and then there are no wizards anymore. Ok. That’s Emily stopped reading - accio review. There might be some spoilers in here - but you’ve already read the books, right? Right.

The final film is two solid hours of unrelenting action, sad bit, action, funny bit, action, cool bit, action, NEVILLE LONGBOTTON (seriously, when did he become such a dreamboat badass?), action, end. For a series of films that sometimes felt like they’d lost their way, (get a GRIP, Ron Weasley) Deathly Hallows Part 2 is an entirely satisfying and spectacular final chapter.

From the opening set piece at Gringott’s (watch that dragon BREATHE when they escape), David Yates takes us on a tour of all the locations we’ve come to know and love over the years - then puts fire, and Death Eaters, and Dementors, and people dying in them. Take THAT, small children! This is for the adults now! This isn’t for you, EMMA WATSON HAS A PIXIE CUT NOW, YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND.

To say this is a rollercoaster of underground, goblin bank proportions (one for the fans) is an understatement. For a girl who normally loathes action sequences, it’s testament to the skill of the screenwriter, director, editor and the actors (yes, I enjoyed Radcliffe, Watson and Grint’s performances - let’s not discuss that old chestnut) that I was kept completely gripped throughout the incredible action scenes, and then emotionally manipulated to cry, and then laugh (often immediately after seeing a young Hogwarts pupil being savaged by a beast - yay!!).

We finally got the first kiss between Ron and Hermione - immediately after a frightening bit involving a basilisk tooth and some scary water that goes into the shape of Voldemort’s face. My one concern with this scene is that for impressionable girls (me) this may set the bar of the ideal first kiss too high to be realistically practicable, and may lead to disenchantment and a life led alone reading Harry Potter books with cats (sounds so nice!!!11!!!)

There’s just so much to enjoy and admire - the action is incredible, the funny scenes perfect in tone, the sad bits realised with subtlety and skill and Professor McGonagall is the sort of person you want available when selecting fire/ambulance/police/magic. You have to go and see it at the cinema though. The 3D element I can take or leave, it doesn’t add much to proceedings, but this is a film to be seen on the big screen, with pic’n’mix with people who UNDERSTAND and who will clap when Mrs Weasley is amazing.

My only quibble is why, after about a decade, no one just went for it and told Voldemort to STFU. I’m looking forward to adding my own voice talents to this particular role (STFU GIRL WIZARD 1) when the DVD comes out. Someone tell IMDB. ***** Happy Potter.

Emily: TrollHunter (Trolljegeren)

If like me, the idea of sitting through another Potter film makes you make that face you make when you go back home to see your family and you find out your mum has cooked stew for dinner, then FEAR NOT.. I have done a terrible review for a good film, (jokes Jenni, you know how much I admire something that just never ends).

I hope you weren’t gunning for a delicious rom-com. Because you’re going to be severely disappointed, like the feeling you get while watching Daniel Radcliffe “act”. I, Emily, went to a screener of TrollHunter (Trolljegeren (pronounced troll-YAY-geren you idiot)) and it blew my tiny mind. TrollHunter is filmed as a documentary, some footage was found and they (analysts) can’t decide if it’s authentic or a joke. Cue the film; 3 students trying to interview an elusive bear poacher. However, much to our relief we learn that there is no bear poacher, just a man trying to maintain a shitload of trolls, (the bear poaching is a smoke screen, because can you imagine what would happen if the world found out Norway had trolls? Dread to think). So, Norway has trolls, woodland trolls and mountain trolls - keep up - and they need culling. The students are soon tagging along with the trollhunter, Hans, in his clawed up 4x4 in hope that one day, everyone will understand the burden of his thankless job.

Considering it’s made to appear hand-cam-esque and despite the terrible weather throughout (filmed in Vaatedalen “The Wet Valley”), it’s beautifully shot, displaying the epic routes of the northwest coast of Norway, through fjords and forests, it almost plays like a tourism video.. *narrows eyes suspiciously*. My only criticisms would be that as the trolls are nocturnal, and like Cloverfield, you only see them in the dark, which means the cgi effects, while really good, only tease you (although I have poor vision - so whether this has anything to do with it…), and the length, though constantly enjoyable, went on for quite a while, you also care very little for the students (possibly because their students, I don’t know?). Overall TrollHunter is wonderfully written, shot and acted (improv apparently - it’s all the rage these days), but the best bit, for me, was the humour. It was equally silly as it was dry, and that merged with the isolation and macabre fairytale darkness of it all, made it a fun, watchable piece of foreign Hollywood cinema.

And the best part about the whole film was that your kids will friggin’ love it - if your kids are awesome and can read, and have a sense of humour about religion.

2 Stars.. Just kidding 4 Stars!